My $5K smart bed needs to shut the hell up

This is Optimizer , a weekly newsletter sent every Friday from Verge senior reviewer Victoria Song that dissects and discusses the latest gizmos and potions that swear they’re going to change your life. Opt in for Optimizer here . I take my beauty rest seriously. So seriously that, after months of testing, I bought my ludicrously expensive Eight Sleep Pod 4 Ultra review unit. It had a lot of things going for it. It kept my spouse’s side of the bed cool and mine toasty. That, in turn, convinced my aloof cats to curl on my side at night. It improved my marriage by dramatically reducing my spouse’s sonorous snoring. What more could I possibly want? Earlier this week, I received a most unwelcome answer. There I was, groggily drinking coffee, when my breakfast was interrupted by my spouse thundering down the stairs. “I HATE THIS!” they shouted, shoving their smartphone in my face. “The stupid AI bed is telling me to drink alcohol!” What in the AI hell is this? Screenshot: Eight Sleep I’ve tested a lot of sleep and health tech. Never have I ever heard of a wearable, smart bed, or other health gadget promoting alcohol consumption. I’ve read enough over the years to know that while alcohol can help you fall asleep faster, it significantly reduces sleep quality . Surely, my sleepy spouse had misread. And yet, reading their Eight Sleep morning summary, I nearly choked on the protein bagel I’d been shoveling into my gob. “Looks like snoring disappeared last night,” read the headline. …